Confessions of a screwed up middle aged man: confusion

I have reached the point this last weekend. I don’t know where to go from here.
I am disappointed in myself due to my sinfulness, but I still pray and believe in God and His Son.
I know I am saved, yet I ever fear of losing this salvation. I came very close once and I never ever wish to encounter that point ever again.
Christ Himself taught about human’s ability to reject Him ever after becoming a part of the vine in John 15.
Many do not wish to see it this way or even reject that losing one’s salvation is possible, but I know from almost losing my salvation that it is a truth that all most come to accept.
Everyone comes to a point in their lives of doubt and confusion. Especially when it comes to faith in God and His Son. I understand this.
When Christ appeared to Thomas, the latter would not believe the statement from the others that had already seen the risen Jesus first hand. He had to see the holes is the wrists of Christ. He has to see the hole of the spear that had been shoved into His heart to show that Jesus had actually passed into the realm of the dead. It is doubt like this that always haunts humanity even those that know God and His Son are real.
I know They are real because I still to this day remember the filling of the Holy Spirit into my body as I came into full acceptance of Jesus as my Savior. That was more than thirty years ago now. Yet I know it was real.
All I want to do is to get those that asked God into their hearts and have turned their backs upon God to awaken to the truth. Yet I know I may only reach a few, but I wish it could be more.
I have no desire to seek the spotlight, for to me only Jesus Christ deserves to be shown. However He would never need any artificial light to show His glory and radiance.
All I know for sure at this moment is that I must continue my blog, for God has blessed me with these words I now type. For as in all things that give Him glory they are inspired by the Holy Ghost, and they would not be coming from me if they were not so inspired.
This is one of those things people just don’t get. They think that these words I type come from me. That I am giving my point of view. Do I react to things I see and hear? Yes. Do these things cause me to desire to write? Yes, but I do not plan what comes from me. I do not rewrite and reform the way things come from me onto the screen of a computer. Many that have seen my blog post will see grammar error and misused words and later after I re-read it once it is post they will change. Why this is, is because I am being led by the Holy Spirit. The words just leave onto the screen going where they wish to lead. I have always written this way and I did most of this after being saved.
Yet as like now I get depressed, discouraged, confused. Because I don’t think people understand. They see a human posting words and assume they are just that. A human posting words.
That is one reason I know I was not meant to reach those that have rejected God, but those that have turned from Him, but have forgotten who it is they have turned too.
He wants them to come before Him unashamed. Yet many stand naked instead of clothed with the white linens of salvation. God loves all humanity, yet is saddened that so many say they are His when in reality they are the worlds. That they have made Him, the Creator of all to appear to be a liar, for they would rather live in the world than to spend billions upon billions of years looking at His creation in His service.
I guess this is one reason I am so confused and depressed.

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