thoughts

The “White Knight Syndrome” vs. being a good Christian man


re-post
Recently I was described as having “White Knight Syndrome.” So I got curious and looked to see if there really was such a thing and guess what, there is. The way it was described in short was a man that seeks out several women at once that wants to rescue them from their problems and feels that women are weak and require a strong man to come to their aid amongst other non-appealing traits.
I read this and just said “You have to be kidding.”
I really do not fit into this model not even in the slightest. Being a Christian I have learned through study and pray as well as trial and error, that if you wish to be the head of the household you are in fact becoming the leader of it. It says plainly in the Bible that if you lead you must become a servant. So as a Christian male and head of a household I am to place all within this household before myself and so be a servant unto them.
Now that does not mean you become a butler and wait upon everyone in the house, catering to their every need like I have read some women actually want, which also describes my fist wife. Being a Christian man, I know that I am to strive to make those within my home happy. I do this through working a job and providing an income. I do this by providing a roof over our heads. I do this by see that all are fed, clothed and given a good education if they are my children.
This must all be done before I consider doing anything for myself. Does this mean I have to rescue the woman I call my wife? No. Admittedly, my two marriages have not worked out, one due to my first wife wanting a butler, which she now has. The second is a bit more difficult to explain, but there was really no “White Knight Syndrome” involved. By the way, this is where the part of “trial and error” came into play as I mentioned earlier.
What I do know is that being a Christian man is that you care, especially for those that you love and cherish. Sure, you would like to “rescue” them from time to time, but that cannot happen all the time. They need to fall then pick themselves up, and be allowed to turn to God and seek Him out.

(UPDATE)

When I wrote this I was divorced for the 2nd time. I have since remarried. I found it interesting and prove that God is real in this third instance.
I knew I couldn’t be unmarried for I knew I would live in sin. However, I had grown unhappy with how things were going with looking for someone new. I turned it over to God. That same week, my now wife turned over her frustration on the same issue to God. We then after being on “Christian Mingle” for two year found each other there for the first time.
My wife is my soulmate and the person God sent to rescue me, not the other way around. I have never been happier in my life. All praise and glory to the Lord Almighty through His Son the Lord Jesus Christ.

Confessions of a screwed up middle-aged man: The countdown clock moves closer


In just a few days a milestone will be reached in my life. It is one many cross, but as you get closer to that time when doing what you want to do really starts to come into play. What is it? The anniversary of my hire date at my current job. Due to this, I will soon be able to say I plan to retire in eight years.

I miss the road. I miss seeing different things as you travel. Most of all I miss seeing different animals. I have seen Mountain Goats, Moose, Bison, Bear, Deer, Pierre Dogs, Roadrunners, Regular and Jack Rabbits, and my most favorite Pronghorn Antelope. Yet that still does cover them all.

I miss the mountains, the smell of pine forests in the spring. I miss exploring and discovering new things. It is something I truly wish to do once again, but I must wait, for it is not yet my time to have those adventures once again. Now I must work and wait for that special person that will be my friend and companion. For what good is it to look upon the wonders of God’s creation without someone to share it with.

Confessions of a screwed up middle-aged man: Sharing


Days begin and then end. The time in this temporary life ticks by not in the motion of the second hand clicking into to its momentary position and then on to the next one, but time of a day clicking into its position and then into the next one.
Days fly by and there is no sharing them. To be able to say I watch a ship that crosses the ocean slowly move down the river next to where I work. To not be able to share the moment the sunsets upon the Rockies, or rises above them depending on which side you are on at that particular moment is something I truly miss.
My mind is full of things that I only wish to share with one person. Not a friend or co-worker, but someone that has picked me as their equal, their partner. Someone that knows when you take a vow that says forever it does not mean within the lifetime that we live now, but the lifetime that we are promised that will last billions upon billions of years.
Deep down I have always pursued this. Even when I was a child, but now most of my time within this corrupted form has passed. Yet still I search for one person that will accept me for that mess that I am. For am I not only human? Am I not allowed to make mistakes?
I know she is out there. Have I met her before? Have I not met her yet?
I do not know the answers to these questions myself, yet I will still continue to seek her out.

About me


I am forced today to do something that I have not wanted to do. I take no pride or pleasure in what I am about to type. But my hand is being forced by those that believe I write these postings for my self-glorification, which is the furthest thing from the truth for I know I am in no way perfect or near perfect, but I will stick only to my faith and how it came to me as best I can.
Now I know I have mentioned events in my past, but I told them in a way to help those reading to identify with me so they could see the truth in what I was trying to tell them, and that is all it was meant to do. I accepted Jesus into my life when I was twenty-five, but I did not become born-again until June 25, 1986 when I felt the Holy Spirit pour into me. On that day I spoke in tongues, and from time to time I have since then. For the next two years as I poured through the Bible and learned more and more about faith I was given dreams by God (Acts 2:17). Some of these dreams made it into the book I wrote because of them most I did not. Some I have posted here in this blog. Many were meant solely for me to grow in my faith and so I will never share them. Others like knowing a full month before it was made public that Jimmy Swaggart was committing adultery I tried to tell others but fell upon deaf ears.
From about the early nineties I entered in the time of my faith that I feel many slip into. It is neither an improvement in your faith or a step away. It is this type of faith that I call the grey zone you are neither hot nor cold for God. Those that are called lukewarm. It is a faith that I feel most fall into and are not fully aware they have. It is these that I seek to speak to more than any other person for they are mentioned within the book of Revelation and Jesus said it is these that he would spew from his mouth. It is these that think they shall be taken in the Rapture, but shall instead find themselves still here upon this earth. It is a place I knew I was in and for all I know still may be, for only Jesus can answer that question at this time.
Then 2013 happened, my year of Job, my soon to be ex-wife had allowed my apartment to become that of a hoarders. I begged and pleaded for her to address it, but she refused, and since I was working full time was unable to address on my own, because once I did clean, I would find a mess twice as large replacing it the next day. Then she was arrested for shoplifting. Two days later, I was evicted from my apartment. Two week later the management of the apartment made it impossible for me to move any of my personal property out so I lost all of my personal possessions and items of importance like photo albums were forever lost to me. During the entire year, one tribulation after another took place until I finally placed everything before God and throw myself upon His mercy.
It was through this year of tribulation that I learned how selfish I truly was. Even though I was nowhere near as selfish as I had been before I came to be born-again. It was through these trials that I learned that all must go to God. That all else comes before me. God first, family second, the world third and then just maybe me. I was given a burden on my heart to start posting first in Facebook and then finally in this blog. Why? So that I can cause others to think about where they stand with God. About if they are being selfish. If they are willing to understand that it is God and His Son Jesus that we owe our very existence too. Since there have been many times throughout history that it was through God that humans still walk upon this planet this very day. It was through God that the nation of the United States even exists and that the way it was structured exists.
I can go no further with this post.

The Realization


I have been upon this world for fifty-four years. I remember the assassination of JFK. I remember sitting in the school auditorium to watch the launch of Apollo 9 as it headed off to the moon (by the way, yes man actually walked on the moon). I remember telling my first wife the day before the event actually happened that the Challenger would explode upon take off, and her waking me from a nap due to a migraine telling me that is exactly what happened. There is much I have encountered, there is much I have seen and heard, but that pales in what is to come when this corrupted body finally gives out.
A few days ago, while I was writing another post I finally came to the full acceptance that this life we live is only temporary. Now I know I have been writing as such, but for some reason it was not those posts that gave me the full and complete realization.
What did it for me was when I knew without question I could sacrifice myself for someone else. Now I have asked this of myself more than once in the five plus decades, but this was the first time I actually had the answer. When I got this answer, I knew that I was ready to fully accept moving on from this existence into the next one. The only thing that I would wish for is that it took me straight into my new, perfect and immortal body. Will this happen? I do not know, but I do know without question that I feel I can overcome my fears that are a part of my corrupted body and stand and face whatever would cause me to sacrifice myself for another fellow human being.

The Suicide of Hollywood


Yesterday I watched “Son of God” with my youngest son. I found several things to type about. Possibly a review, some of the things that the writers decided to place into the movie, amongst other things. What stuck out the most for me though was the lack of Hollywood. The last time Hollywood was truly present for a Biblical film was The Bible: The beginning in 1966 and even then it was not fully Hollywood. Hollywood had turned its back on God. It had embraced sensationalism, sex, scandal and drugs.
In previous decades, they gave us movies like “The Ten Commandments”, “Ben Hur”, “King of Kings”, “The Greatest Story Ever Told”. In previous decades, Hollywood prospered and made producer, actor and companies rich. As a result, the money corrupted the industry and the people within it.
It return God is now showing Hollywood what is the result when humans place themselves before God. Yet they are blind to see it. They have campaigned to improve the world for humans as a result laws have been made. Laws they must follow which are making it impossible for them to make profitable motion pictures. As a result, Hollywood is dying a slow self-imposed death through laws they helped to create by placing themselves ahead of God.

The Global Warming Conspiracy?


I remember the blizzards that hit the US in the 1960’s, having lived through two of them personally. I remember walking to the school bus stop in ten below zero weather outside of Chicago. I also remember weather forecasters showing historical weather data. Some of which dated back to the middle of the 1800s. Yet today I went searching for this data on the internet and it was not there. I also find it curious that you no longer really see them mentioning historic lows and highs for some as much as they use to. What I found was shocking. Famers Almanac whose data goes back to the early 1800’s can only provide data back to 1960. Other weather services that provided info back to 1945 had for example an extremely accurate detail of how rain had fallen but nothing on temperatures. Now I know that the weather was of extreme importance throughout World War II. Two prime examples is the weather for D-Day and the three days of bad weather the Germans needed for the Battle of the Bulge. So why isn’t this data quickly accessible?
Now I am not one to go around screaming “conspiracy” at the drop of a hat, but I find this highly suspicious. Why is this data not available to John Q. Public? This is something that has no real meaning on any average day, but would help some young adults get through college. Yet there is nothing. It makes me wonder if there will be no data available at the libraries now. It also makes me wonder what other information is being hidden or white washed.

Confessions of a screwed up middle-aged man


What is it to love a woman? What are the factors that cause you to choose one person from another? I have cared for several girls and women since I first realized I liked the opposite sex. How old was I? Four?
The first girl I cared for was in Great Falls, Montana. Her name was Wendy. She was a brunette and she had blue eyes. She was rather beautiful to a five your old boy, but then she was five herself.
My first full-blown crush was when I was fourteen. Her name was Sue. I was extremely awkward. I did not know how to act at all at that age. I was shy beyond all measure because of my gawkiness. I do remember dancing with her. She had long brown hair and dark brown eyes. She had one of the sweetest personalities, but due to my ungainliness, possibly I was not her type. Therefore, it was an unrequited encounter.
As I look back on my relationships, I come to the uncomfortable realization. I have loved the women in my live more than they have loved me. How can I say this? My first wife chose to look for older men then stay married to me. My second wife admitted to me that she tricked me into marrying her and that she did not love me. Was I naive? I guess so.
In a way, I feel I deserve to be without a woman in my life. My first wife I met in my years when God was not in my life. That did not happen until six years later. Of all the women in my life, I miss her the most. Mainly because she left me not the other way around like in my second marriage.
One thing I need to learn to do, and apparently have not is place this in God’s hand. I know due to free-will we must make some effort in relationships on our own, but still I feel I should be praying more before I act.
Only time will tell. One thing is for sure. I do not want to spend the next billion years without someone by my side. There will be so many adventures in that time. So many wonders to see and I want to be able to share them.

Steel Blue


In all my life, I feel I can honestly say I have never truly seen steel blue eyes until very recently. I have seen them depicted in comic books. I have read their description in books, but to have actually seen them for real is just amazing.
I have looked into various women’s eyes more times than I would like, but I have never been lucky in that department. My two marriages both lasted around a decade. Both of them had hazel eyes. I enjoyed looking into those eyes, especially for the first one. The first girl I could call a girlfriend had blue eyes, but not much you can think of doing but playing when you are five.
Then I saw those eyes that were the brightest pale blue I have ever seen, and I wished I were a younger man. I thought I had crossed a line in my maturity the day I watched a Taylor Swift video and thought, “she would be a wonderful daughter.” Now here I am wanting to hold a young woman and just stare into her eyes and get lost in them in between kisses.
Dare I ask? I do not know.

A warrior lost.


I was not old enough for the Vietnam War; by the time of the first Gulf War, I was too old. Was this for my good, or did it make me less of a person, I cannot say.
In some ways I do feel it did not allow me to mature as fast as I should, but from what I understand sometimes you can mature too quickly as war has a tendency to do. Yet again, I have been around several ex-military type that still lacking in maturity.
Now as I get closer and closer to retiring I look at my grey hair that has now become white. I wonder how much longer I will have to live in this body. A body that ages and falls apart.
In my senior year in High School they gave out that aptitude test that tell you, what they think you are best suited for. Me? They said I would make a great helicopter mechanic. It is amazing how things go full circle. Now I work for a company that manufactures helicopters. Some of which are used by the military. I have always liked aircraft. I enjoy making them. It is a very fulfilling job.
I have always been a planner, especially when it comes to traveling. Now I am planning for my ultimate trip. Not death and what lies beyond that until I get the new body promised to us all, but the traveling I have planned for my retirement years. It takes a warrior’s planning to map out finances and making choices as to where to go and when. The main factor will be the temperature though. It gets too hot, northward we will go. It gets too cold, south is the destination.
My biggest issues that has faced me to date had been getting around once I get to whatever destination I get to. I think I have solves that though, A Can-Am Spyder. That made picking what type of RV limited, but still not one hundred percent sure about that. Still time to think and plan on that, but I shall always feel like a warrior lost.