What is it to love a woman? What are the factors that cause you to choose one person from another? I have cared for several girls and women since I first realized I liked the opposite sex. How old was I? Four?
The first girl I cared for was in Great Falls, Montana. Her name was Wendy. She was a brunette and she had blue eyes. She was rather beautiful to a five your old boy, but then she was five herself.
My first full-blown crush was when I was fourteen. Her name was Sue. I was extremely awkward. I did not know how to act at all at that age. I was shy beyond all measure because of my gawkiness. I do remember dancing with her. She had long brown hair and dark brown eyes. She had one of the sweetest personalities, but due to my ungainliness, possibly I was not her type. Therefore, it was an unrequited encounter.
As I look back on my relationships, I come to the uncomfortable realization. I have loved the women in my live more than they have loved me. How can I say this? My first wife chose to look for older men then stay married to me. My second wife admitted to me that she tricked me into marrying her and that she did not love me. Was I naive? I guess so.
In a way, I feel I deserve to be without a woman in my life. My first wife I met in my years when God was not in my life. That did not happen until six years later. Of all the women in my life, I miss her the most. Mainly because she left me not the other way around like in my second marriage.
One thing I need to learn to do, and apparently have not is place this in God’s hand. I know due to free-will we must make some effort in relationships on our own, but still I feel I should be praying more before I act.
Only time will tell. One thing is for sure. I do not want to spend the next billion years without someone by my side. There will be so many adventures in that time. So many wonders to see and I want to be able to share them.
General
Growing faith
A recurring theme throughout my life has been the desire to respect others. Sure, some parts of my personality can be a thorn to some, but who amongst us can say that is not true for any person. In my early teens, I allowed my peers to turn my heart to hardness. This lasted until I was in my mid-twenties. One thing that I know marked these years was the mere fact that I had become selfish and self-serving.
When I became born again at twenty-six the man, what I should have been came back into existence. A man that God knew and recognized. (See my post “Overwhelming sin” to understand what I meant by this statement). The man returned to what the boy I had been before I allowed my peers to turn me into what I had become in the dark years.
I learned to give into my desires and wants in those years. I allowed myself to listen to only myself. Not caring if I hurt people. Many of these people were girls and women, especially when I turned eighteen.
Regret is one thing that has crossed my mind more than once over the last quarter of a century plus. Sometimes this regret causes me to do things that help others. Then there are times this regret has made me avoid situations out of fear they may be a repeat of something from my past that I do not wish to go through again. I feel these regrets are due to me trying to think of others before myself.
Too many times in the Bible we are told be humble, placing others before ourselves. The emphasis is too poignant that true faith requires humility, thus selflessness. When you are selfish, you are not acting for God. When thinking of your own desires no matter how little or big you have placed yourself before others.
I really think it is in all of us to be humble. I know I was humble when I was a child and had forgotten it due to pain and humiliation. How I returned to it is where free-will comes into play. I felt wrong from my behavior. I felt more guilt as I became more selfish. I do not know if others experience this and hide it, but it allowed me to face myself and realize this is not what God wanted for me or us for that matter. So I chose through the act of free-will to return to what I was taught in my youth.
I know I am not perfect. No human can ever be perfect. I know I have overcome sins that would have turned me into someone other then what I am. I know not only that it was God, but an inner strength that has allowed me to grow into the man I am today. Where did I get this inner strength? From my trials I have face throughout my life. Without these trials, I feel I would in no way be the man I am today.
All I do know is that the man that types these words today is in fact someone who deserves to be call a man, since there is a difference between being male and being a man. It is by God and for God that I am here, and I praise Him for that.
Steel Blue
In all my life, I feel I can honestly say I have never truly seen steel blue eyes until very recently. I have seen them depicted in comic books. I have read their description in books, but to have actually seen them for real is just amazing.
I have looked into various women’s eyes more times than I would like, but I have never been lucky in that department. My two marriages both lasted around a decade. Both of them had hazel eyes. I enjoyed looking into those eyes, especially for the first one. The first girl I could call a girlfriend had blue eyes, but not much you can think of doing but playing when you are five.
Then I saw those eyes that were the brightest pale blue I have ever seen, and I wished I were a younger man. I thought I had crossed a line in my maturity the day I watched a Taylor Swift video and thought, “she would be a wonderful daughter.” Now here I am wanting to hold a young woman and just stare into her eyes and get lost in them in between kisses.
Dare I ask? I do not know.
A warrior lost.
I was not old enough for the Vietnam War; by the time of the first Gulf War, I was too old. Was this for my good, or did it make me less of a person, I cannot say.
In some ways I do feel it did not allow me to mature as fast as I should, but from what I understand sometimes you can mature too quickly as war has a tendency to do. Yet again, I have been around several ex-military type that still lacking in maturity.
Now as I get closer and closer to retiring I look at my grey hair that has now become white. I wonder how much longer I will have to live in this body. A body that ages and falls apart.
In my senior year in High School they gave out that aptitude test that tell you, what they think you are best suited for. Me? They said I would make a great helicopter mechanic. It is amazing how things go full circle. Now I work for a company that manufactures helicopters. Some of which are used by the military. I have always liked aircraft. I enjoy making them. It is a very fulfilling job.
I have always been a planner, especially when it comes to traveling. Now I am planning for my ultimate trip. Not death and what lies beyond that until I get the new body promised to us all, but the traveling I have planned for my retirement years. It takes a warrior’s planning to map out finances and making choices as to where to go and when. The main factor will be the temperature though. It gets too hot, northward we will go. It gets too cold, south is the destination.
My biggest issues that has faced me to date had been getting around once I get to whatever destination I get to. I think I have solves that though, A Can-Am Spyder. That made picking what type of RV limited, but still not one hundred percent sure about that. Still time to think and plan on that, but I shall always feel like a warrior lost.
Have we forgotten this one?
One of the big things that the government is pushing is taking from those that have and giving to all those that do not. Is this this the right way to do thing? There are those that would scream yes. There are those that would scream no.
Here is how it should be looked at. You go to what you should have been taught as you grew up as I was. There is the last commandment that states: though shalt not covet.
To desire that which is not yours is what the government is telling many they must do. In the Bible in both Exodus and Deuteronomy it is spelled out in even more detail.
Deut. 5:21 Neither shalt thou desire thy neighbour’s wife, neither shalt thou covet thy neighbour’s house, his field, or his manservant, or his maidservant, his ox, or his ass, or any thing that is thy neighbour’s.
To want what belongs to someone else you are coveting it. From the wife to the property and their money.
As someone once commented in another of my post this would be considered a law that is subjective. A law made by humans to satisfy a human’s desires.
When humankind thinks only of humankind then laws are made that do not truly value humankind. Man is by nature selfish and self-serving. Many may argue this point, but if you look about you at this very moment and truly look at how these rules and regulations are causing what was once a great nation and turning it into at best a second class nation.
I grew up in the cold war. I practice drills in school that made you get under your school desk to protect you from first a nuclear bomb and then tornadoes. An act especially for the former that was a futile gesture to give children some sense of safety that didn’t truly exist.
I watched the news where it showed the U.S.S.R. a country that “prided” itself for giving to all their citizens equally. For that was the true meaning of Socialism. What I saw on the news was lines of the common citizens of the nation. (By the way, we are common citizens.) What were they in line for you ask? They were standing in line to get rationed out food. Rationed out cloth to make clothes.
Simply, men in power had made laws. Laws which took from the common people and gave it not to those that were in need, but to themselves. These laws were subjective laws. These are the laws that are now being placed upon those of the United States.
Laws that are made, which cause people to think beyond their own selfishness and desires, are laws which are written by people who are thinking about something higher than humankind. They are thinking of what lies beyond this life on earth. These laws would be considered inherently good law. These are the laws this nation was founded upon. Laws that were first formulated by William Penn for the colony of Pennsylvania. William Penn who was a Quaker.
He once stated:
“Men must be governed by God or they will be ruled by tyrants.”
To be governed by God; Laws must be written not with humans as the goal of the law, but with God as the goal of the law. Those laws are inherently good for God is good. They are not subjective laws since placing God at the core of the law human influence is removed for the most part.
If one thinks: will this allow me to stand before God or not. It is then that the law will be formulated in the correct light that allows it to be equal and beneficial to all. It does this because it shows we are all equal under God, even if you do not believe there is a God you are still considered equal. When those that say there is no God rule, then the opposite will occur and all that is left is war, famine, and destruction.
Mountain Memories
I have loved the mountains since I was small. My father worked for a big corporation, but one of those guys that got transferred a lot. The thing is I think he took jobs that no one else would take so it would allow him to rise up the corporate chain more quickly.
The thing is it allowed me to spend my informative years in the west. I know from photo albums that I went through the Dakotas. I think I remember seeing Mount Rushmore. I know I saw mountains. Some in the distance, some up close. Sometimes even standing upon them.
I remember going to Little Big Horn and all I saw was rolling hills. I barely recollect the river at Great Falls, but I do remember the home we lived in. It was in a new suburb then. I also recall the winter and opening the front door and seeing snow all the way to the top of it due to being blown against the house. It was still very deep, my head scarcely allowed me to see over it has my older brother pushed his way out ahead of me as I followed him.
The house in Billings was older. There I got stunk by bees a lot. One thing I did enjoy was watching the planes take off from the airport which was atop a plateau next to the city. I have never truly been able to return to the west for a long period of time since I grew up. It is one of those things I truly regret.
The last time was in the west I was on I-40. It was summer and it was hot. One thing that amazed me though was where sections of the interstate either in Arizona or New Mexico that were actually build upon lava flows. It is something that people never even think twice about, but it was totally fascinating to me.
But back to the mountains. My best memories of mountains were in Salt Lake. Once again my father purchased a home in a new subdivision. The mountains were right there. Every day they were there. I loved those mountains. I would walk to school and church looking at them. They were beautiful. I would play in the field behind that house. It even had a sand dune in part of it. I learned to understand why they said Indians would bury people in ant hills. A few yard from my backyard I came upon a huge colony. It had to be a good yard in diameter. It was a fascinating and exciting time. I can honestly say I was happy. The happiest I have ever been.
I know I can never recapture those days ever again. I do wish to at the very least try to revisit some of those memories as I make new memories. Memories I know I will carry with me throughout all my live as I have carried those memories of my childhood.
Why is not God here in person?
My intent is to help those that ask the question in the title to think. There are those that will believe God does not exist. There are those that acknowledge God, but wonder why He is not walking amongst us right now. Is the response that follows the definitive answer to this question? I doubt it, but it is worth, at least, trying to answer.
What needs to made perfectly understood is that this is about free-will, the ability for each person to make choices. To make these choices though there needs to be an understanding of the facts in these selections. Some would be called common sense while others are reached through research and study, but they are still an act of free-will.
All of humankind are flawed. We all make decisions that hurt ourselves and/or others. It is due to this flaw that there is war, prejudice, neglect and the list goes on and on.
Does this flaw mean there is no God? No.
Free-will is this flaw, but it is a duel-edged blade.
When those with the ability to influence the masses understand that God does exist then things like laws come into being. These laws usually help people to make the right choices. On the opposite side of the coin, when God is removed from these laws horrors can take place. A prime example of this was Adolf Hitler and his inner circle. They did not believe in God, but believed man was the ultimate power on earth. As a result, laws were made that did not include God and as a result nearly 13 million people died horrible and unnecessary deaths.
When humans decide they are god, other humans die as seen not only in World War II Germany, but in ancient Rome as well. Two prime examples are Caligula and Nero. Both thought themselves to be gods. The former killed his mother, wife and slept with a horse as well as killing thousands of Christians for sport in the Coliseum. The latter burned Rome so he could make a new city named after himself, thus killing thousand more when he blamed it upon Christians.
So the very fact that humankind is here today shows there is a God, but why is he not here?
He is not here in person, because if you can believe in something that seems intangible then your belief is stronger than it is in something you can see and touch. If you can see something you can become oblivious to its meanings and purpose.
God is not here in person to allow those that wish to listen to their flawed mind and body to do so. For God is seeking the seeds from the chaff. Therefore, when the seeds are planted, within their faith, they will germinate causing new growth, as they are bathed in the light of God through knowledge and understanding. While the chaff, those that refuse to acknowledge His existence will become what they become. Some to the point of become like those before that placed themselves above God, just because they could not see God.
Humankind causes bad to happen in the world. All because humans have free-will, that is why it was called the forbidden fruit. For from this fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil God knew that only death and destruction would follow, which it has.
You need to have balance in your life.
We are to do things in moderation. If you were to look at a glass for those of the glass is half-full, half-empty types. Well moderation mean the glass is one forth full.
To do anything to excess is destructive, but there are those that spend more time worrying about a sporting event then they are spending it with the rest of the world about them. To have moderation is to have balance in your life. This is something we all deal with in our lives, even myself.
There are those that spend too much time at work. It is unfortunate that we have to work, but in today’s world, it is a necessity. Occasionally some must put some extra time into work, but I witness daily people that work well over the quitting time of their shift. This leads to ignoring a part of your life that needs your attention. If you do things in moderation then you have time to spend with many things that require your consideration. Time to be with your family. Time to spend in the Word and in pray. Time to help those in need. Time to keep healthy. Time to learn. Time to enjoy the beauties of nature.
To the gentle people
How does someone try to show who he or she really are? It can take years to truly know someone. It can take longer if they hide their true self from you. Be it intentionally or out of fear. Those that do it out of fear, do it out of shame, usually, for some action that happened to them before they met the party that wishes to know who they are.
Then there are those tout there that truly desire to share, not only their past, be it good or bad, but their future as well. They look at the world with a child’s excitement, yet they remember getting their fingers burned figuratively speaking. This burning is impressed upon them, which makes them shy, stand offish, or slow to act when someone seeks to get to learn more about them. Kind caring people like that have the hardest time in the world.
Repeatedly they run into someone that tries to tear them down. Yet time and again they spring back for the most part. Sometimes they become jaded. Sometimes they start to become like those that attempt to tear them down.
It is times like this that they need to seek something more then themselves. Many seek out an escape through a diversion, or a substance. Many retreat into themselves. There is another option though; one that has been there longer then any of us.
It is something that will accept all as they are at this moment. Yet it will allow those that seek to return to the kind and gentle-person they started as.
In time when that person is ready within themselves it will ask them to change into someone who will stop thinking of themselves, and begin to reach out to others. Giving them a kindness that is within them which will cause others to wonder why this person before them is so gentle and compassionate.
Some of these may be the ones that caused the person to become jaded and they will look on in astonishment and start to think how this is possible.
They may ask the person that is kind and caring and this person will respond:
“It is God through His Son Jesus that I am as you see now.”
True knowledge and growth (something some governements do not want you to learn)
The seeking of self is an ongoing journey. It is something you do your entire life. As you travel throughout your existence, you will notice a change in who you were and who you are now if you think upon it.
To me though, the greatest change comes when you realize that how you are at a particular moment is not who you want to be. This is something I know all deal with for it is placed in books and into movies. True most times when you come to this point are not so action filled to be worth turning in a movie. That does not diminish their import.
A key element to me is honor. I do not mean “honor” as a noun, but as a verb. The one that means: to observe, adhere to, be true to.
To observe the laws that govern you, be they the laws of the land or of your believes.
To adhere to them and follow them, no matter how minor or how great.
To be true to yourself and others.
To me placing others before myself. That is more gratifying, more satisfying then only seeking to please my own desires and wants. Most of the time I have gotten to the point where placing others first is simply a natural reflex then a conscious act.
A prime example: my work ethic. What I do can literally kill someone if I do not give my best effort. To do my job there are rules I must follow. If I do not follow these rules, the worst might happen. Many I work with do not have this work ethic, most are younger than me.
Why are the younger people less caring about the rules and or laws you may ask? To me it is due the removal of the fundamental rights, which I and those my age grew up being taught. My generation was the generation of the child of the war; be that the World War of the Korean War. Our fathers for the most part were men that had truly witnessed the horrors of war. So they instilled into their children the need to follow the laws, be they the laws of the land of the simply the ten commandments of the Bible. The latter of which was simply reduced to the saying: “Do unto others as you would have other do unto you.”
Now the horrors of war are upon us once again. May returning home missing limbs, many with brain damage, even more with emotional damage. Will this make them instill into their children the need to follow the rules? I can only hope. For at this time we are in a generation that has never truly experienced these horrors. In fact many of been desensitized to these very horrors through movies and televisions show that show extreme violence.
To a degree I was desensitized to it was well. Then one day I had a “brilliant” idea. I would watch the killing of one of the hostages that were being taken by Muslim extremists. I quickly become aware of the horrors of war that day as the dull knife was used to slowly cut the man’s head from his body. I could not even finish watching. I became unable for months after that to look at blood without wanting to vomit. Something I had never experienced before in my life.
This was another building block, which has helped to form the person that writes these thoughts down now. Was it a good one? NO!
Because there has been no ongoing or horrific war, the minds of people have become complacent. They allow other people to determine how they should think instead of doing the thinking themselves.
A prime example of this was Germany in the nineteen-thirties. People in the Germany that existed at that time had suffered through famine and privation due to world war one. Yet it was not these that were pursued by the Nazi party. It was the youth, but because many within the populous felt the surrender in nineteen-eighteen was unjust and unfair they too listened. Their minds were pliable to seeking what was better for the select, especially since those, which were not the select, contributed in their eyes to the suffering they had suffered in the past.
The cycle is repeating itself here in the United States. You have groups that were downtrodden in the past, but are now given the ability to prosper and yet they do not. They are taught from within and without that, it is due to others they are still failures. They are given gifts from the government that in turn keeps them downtrodden. Yet it is those that are prospering that are villains? To me, though, it is these government systems that are the problem and keeping them denigrated.
This country was formed under the promise that ALL are equal. Admittedly, it took too long for this to become the truth, but once it did, actions were taken to allow those that had been downtrodden to make something of themselves and many have.
Now though these rules are being used to make those it was meant to help and rise, into people that wish to dominate. Making themselves better than those, they see as the ones that oppressed them. The problem with that is that most that did this are dead. Those alive today had little to do with the oppression or were not even born. This is wrong to hold someone accountable for something they did not do.
Now as an example what occurred to those Americans of Japanese descent. These people were given a onetime monetary reward by the government for their treatment during World War II. That is how it should be done. A onetime recompense of money and then it is up to those that were affect to go from there. The continued dishing out of money to the point of making people depended upon the government is one of the ultimate wrongs that can happen.
The United States government was never meant to be as large as it is today. As it is stated in the Tenth Amendment in the Constitutions’ Bill of Rights:
“The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people”
The main power is to be kept to the States and if not the states the people, not the government. Today though, the government is guilty of taking the tenth amendment away from the people. Those that are career politician or career government employees need to be removed from office and in some cases even jailed for their actions.
Enough of the rant.
The main topic is growing to a complete person. Most would simply call it maturing. However, using the word “maturing” is not accurate. I now several people in their forties and fifties that are nowhere near being called mature. Then there are people in their teens I would call mature.
To me it is those that seek understanding in all things are the ones that seem to grow.
Those that reach a point that makes them comfortable; or allows themselves to live in a lifestyle that allows them to act in ways that are not correct; these are “immature and selfish.”
Therefore, we as the human race are encouraged to grow mentally, to seek out knowledge, to seek understanding of others so that we can grow. When someone or some group says not to do this, but to listen to them and only them for they have all the answers. Those that listen surrender their very worth has a member of the human race to be nothing more than a witless pawn that has no understanding or desire to know what is happening in the world about them. They become willing slaves to the mantra of thoughtlessness.
I encourage you to seek out knowledge, but make it a balanced knowledge. Understand the laws of land. Understand the rules of your believes within your respective faiths. See how the two are meant to work together. If you find they are not, then follow that which allows you to grow, not that which diminishes you. For if it lessens you as a human being do you truly deserve to be call a member of the human race?